Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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