All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
how does that bad decision feel?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
