i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
