Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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