How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
