I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
