Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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