ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
