She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
