Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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