I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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