I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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