i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
