We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
