It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Randomize
