im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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