i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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