If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
They took my balls.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
