She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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