Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
