You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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