pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
