I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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