When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
