i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
