I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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