dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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