based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
