I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
