she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
