I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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