that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
