I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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