seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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