Life is so much better after having sex.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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