Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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