So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
