she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize