this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
