You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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