Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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