ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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