Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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