I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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