i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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