I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
is it fun? or sober?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
