If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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