I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
