he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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