his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
