dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
