she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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