So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm sobbing to NWA
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
