Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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