I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
