ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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