What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize