do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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