Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
