I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
