im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I party with great urgency now.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
