And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize