dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
