I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
